Nigel, the Autistic Companion

I was reflecting this morning on what is the point in reading, writing, watching things on Autism by Autistic people.

So, in my self reflection I discerned that I have been watching videos by Autistic people of late to help me have a kind of touchstone. My life does not make a lot of sense to me at the best of times, it is a roller coaster of inner chaos, unusual responses to the outside environment, and situations and needs that do not match others. I am constantly judging myself – is this normal? Is this appropriate? How do I discern right from wrong, to know when I am needing personal correction, when are others needing to be corrected. All the rest – and there is no clear way to make these judgments by myself. On my own, no matter how much I educate myself, I cannot orientate and make sound judgments. Now of late I have been going through an enormous amount of changes in my personal and work life. My anxiety levels are very high, there is a danger that burnout is coming. I am hoping to avoid it. Connecting into these peer support videos helps me see that my responses, my inner state is normal for an Autistic individual. We are not all the same, but I can see patterns, I can see underneath our individual differences there are a lot of thing very much in common. Just knowing that is helpful, very helpful.

It is very easy to not realise the triggers and stress factors we are going through. Mostly this is because very often these are not triggers, or any kind of stress, for the non-Autistic person. To tell someone out loud that a simple thing sent you into a spiral and you need to recuperate…it just sounds ridiculous to say it out loud. It often sounds like a pathetic excuse to me. So I keep my mouth shut and strive on and go into crisis on my own in private later. Just having to do something new once a week, to communicate with a new person regularly and knowing you will be doing this regularly, is horrendous and stressful. They may be wonderful, I may want to do it and have organised it myself…but it will be a major anxiety issue for some time till I get used to the situation, which will eventually happen. I insist on pushing myself through this, I know it has to be done, and I want it – but it is a process. I have to accept I will suffer, I will have to implement a system to help me cope with the suffering, and I will have to reflect it is not a real situation threatening me, it is just my reaction to change and people…and this part is where the peer support videos, and writings, help. I can see this is normal, that others are like me, that if I accept this it does not mean that I am at fault, I am wrong, I am damaged or deranged. I am normal, for an Autistic adult I am normal. Unfortunately it is my pattern of life…and I say unfortunately because the anxiety, stress, sleep disturbance, all that is pretty horrendous to deal with.

So in my own blog…well, maybe one day I will progress to videos. I start with writing because it is easier for me – easier to be personal and easier to not expose myself too much at this stage. Maybe someone, somewhere, will see this as peer support and it will all be helpful. For me it is helpful, writing allows me to see my life from a 3rd person perspective, get an overview, think through issues. It is very helpful for me.

But peer support is vital. Sharing experiences. Showing what our normal life is like. It helps so much to stop judging yourself according to non-Autistic standards, and these standards are built into everything, everywhere. Sure, we can advise on ways to overcome the negative problems we have…but that is not the most important thing. Most importantly it is creating in our own minds standards we can keep and judge ourselves by, and have confidence in these standards…to be a touchstone for each other. From that point help can come, and we will ask for it.