This morning I feel I need fresh air and physical exercise. Not just in the physical sense, but spiritual. Stop clinging and stagnating…but rather I need to confront my problems. To not hide anymore. My inclination is to lock myself away and not interact, and if I do interact not to enjoy it at all as I am always wanting to go back into my castle, my safe place surrounded by bastions. But…in there it is stuffy, it is boring, it is not that safe really.
To be safe I do need walls to protect me. Yet I need to have some awareness and interaction with the outside world, to be able to steer this ship. Because though I like to think I have a castle, I don’t really. It is a ship, and where I am is not static, where I am actually constantly moving and changing. Every time I try to make my life stop moving I get so bored I destroy the situation to force change. It is definitely a ship this life and this home I make. To keep it safe I need to know what is out there and navigate through it – not just to avoid danger, but to direct myself to safety and situations that are of great benefit to me.
I need help and need to embrace this. Yes, like all ships I need a crew. I am not skilled in all the essentials to sale this ship. On my own I cannot achieve anything. I get very overwhelmed. I get very lost, very alone in my mind. Emotions are wild, thoughts are extreme – so I avoid situations to not stir these. I need a way of managing these internal experiences and be able to address my obligations/situations. I need others who can help me navigate all this, be a touchstone, help me regulate, to stop me flying off into a fantasy world in my mind that is out of control and disassociated from the reality about me.
Nigel, the Autistic Companion 