Today the issue of isolation and aloneness continues in my mind.
Fear of being alone. Alone in work; alone in personal life. Alone. I need to recognize this particular fear haunts me, gives me that great sense of isolation – and this pushes me to do silly things. ‘Silly things’ might not be actually silly in themselves, but for me they are pretty pointless and inappropriate. It can be things like seeking out groups, or trying to. There is hardly any point in this as I just won’t sustain membership or join in much, they just are not me. It may mean looking for people who represent opposites of my natural self – again, what is the point? I cannot overcome my own loneliness and disconnection by trying to connect to people who do not fit into my world, or I into theirs. It won’t last.
For me it is not neurotypical vs neurodivergent. It is as much pointless trying to find other Autistics who are locked away in their own worlds, and won’t come out, as it is finding anyone else who has no clue or interest in my Autistic issues. What I need to do is locate those who want and need what I want and need. It doesn’t matter what perspective they are coming from. A lot will be Autistic simply because a lot of what I am is Autistic and the needs match. But not all Autistics are what I need, nor do they need me. I have known so many Autistics where there was no understanding, no connection, and I was definitely an outsider to them. But then those non-Autistics have the barrier of not having a clue about what affects me and no understanding, or interest in understanding, my experience of life. Most just do not believe. So many just do not even accept Autism is a real thing (of any sort).
On top of this is being locked in my mind, worrying away to extremes. Inventing negative thoughts without evidence. Refusing to look at evidence for fear. Basically lock-down without reason. Having too much fear to use reason. Forcing myself into introspection and isolation – loneliness.
Within me is a great hatred of chaos – not being in control. Not being able to see structure, or believing in others descriptions of their ‘structure’ (mental) because I cannot see it for myself. So I am acting like some of those non-Autistics! I commit the same crimes. This makes it very hard to form relationships. Spending most of my time in panic at not seeing structure in the other person. Forcing myself into isolation yet again.
Nigel, the Autistic Companion 