The days start to merge into one. In this blur several things have come to enlighten me. I think I can say there are two camps: first, that I need to use my body and fulfill it in all its natural needs and functions, and not live in my mind so much. Secondly, that I am hiding from my fears, becoming a recluse in my own head.
The fears is the worst of them all, but connected to the former. I don’t choose to connect to my body in a healthy way as a form of hiding from the outside, all that is material and physical. Because these are where my fears lie.
It really is not good. Swamping my body in sugar and fat to medicate my emotional unbalanced self. That really does not help – it really does not deal with my emotional state, doesn’t create a way out, or even really cover the mess. All it does is put fat on me and make me feel quite ill…in turn that makes me foggy headed and not able to think or have the energy. And my energy levels certainly do drop massively.
Fears, I am sick of fears. They dominate my life. Just about anything and everything gives my soul trembling fear. I really am tired and bored of fear.
My greatest fear overshadowing me at present is that I need to organize studying (for the Masters in Autism), but I refuse to do it. I was overwhelmed by all that happened pre-Christmas, and I just could not focus or do anything to get my studies in order. It was impossible, I was just anxiety itself. Now all that is over with, I just have a huge mental block. I got so stressed not doing what I wanted to do I now only have to think of this thing I want to do to experience high levels of stress. What a damn nightmare I make for myself!
It is always like this…starting something new: basically that is what it is (this studying is a new thing in my life). The walls I put up are massive. There is no relation to the change, the fear and anxiety and barrier/wall derives not from the thing that is new at all. It might be the most wonderful thing in the world, and I may want it more than anything…but it is new. Everything I can create to stop it existing and entering my life will come into play. I don’t feel I have any control over it – yet, I know I am most certainly the one creating the problem, and obsessively at that. I am in denial.
I need a doorway, a gateway, something to latch onto that can act as a carrier (for me), a way to piggy back into reality, for me to move and accept, a way that does not need its volition from my internal resources. That is the problem: this gateway has to be a human. Finding one who can act in this way, supporting me, is unlikely and there is no one in my life like that.
I can only do what I can do. I am going to make steps to re-engage with my body. So that means I will eat good food and follow the Keto diet with low calorie intake. And stick to it and not allow myself to hide in unhealthy food. I will focus on the energy Keto gives and hope that moves me to be faithful. I will walk. I have not walked at all for over a year, and I know it does me great good and really helps dissipate the anxiety. But I avoid it as it takes effort, and anxiety makes me lethargic. Anxiety is not my friend, I need to stop entertaining its presence.
I am going to get my sleep in order. Up at 5.30am at the latest. My mornings will be structured, so intuition/prayers, journalling, and then study and this writing. A lot of mornings I can clear and spend several hours on these tasks, then work in the afternoon and evening. Hopefully not too late into the evening, I prefer an early bed, I mean really early. 8.30pm sounds wonderful.
Work needs to be put in its place, and I need to accept it is not the whole meaning of my life. The study is important, if I can do it, because from that will come new opportunities and abilities.
My natural inclination is just to focus on studying. I actually do love to study. But the world about me, the interaction with other humans at any level, it all takes that focus away and leaves me anxious, unable to think. I have to work and work is also the point of my study…so I do need to find a way to integrate the two.
Integrating is a big problem for me. A couple of days ago I was enlightened to the fact that I want to be close to other humans – emotionally intimate relationships; friendships; even less involved and more casual type connections. Something in me needs closeness to others, it is a drive, an urge. It is always an urge to get too close. So the ‘casual’ acquaintance is unlikely to happen (not that there are people who are available to be close to either). And I habitually cause drama in my relationships – basically I get confused, overwhelmed and demanding. My ‘little god’ complex emerges in all its horrors.
But while I strive and plan and desire all this closeness, I cannot actually cope with it. I can do it a little, but it is very difficult and there is always that drama somewhere. I just cannot cope with having many people in my life, plain and simple. I want many people in my life. But I cannot have that, I do not have the capacity to manage that level of information and input.
So what happens is I arrange things then when they happen I crash. Burnout. The whole scheme and plan I set up burns.
Burns and burns.
But I am trying to stop that.
Nigel, the Autistic Companion 