Putting my intuition into practice meant I forced myself to follow it and not leave the Masters degree. My mind told me I had no means to pay, but my feeling was very strong that I need to continue with this and the money will come. It has been a rough start to the degree. But, then, all my starts are rough. I hate all things new and they cause massive anxiety issues and mental rejection of them. This brings up past trauma, and depression. The only thing to do is know I have to accept the new thing. The rough period will pass. I will learn a routine and process and all will work out. Intellectually I cannot see any of this being true. Absolutely not. But in my feeling, or inner sense, or that thing I call intuition – yes, there I know it is all ok, that this anxiety and hell is not real, that it is some fault in my thinking and intellectual perception. I must not follow it.
When I am working as a p.a. I am working with this intuition. It is this inner sense that directs me. It does seem to be a feeling in my stomach area…it is really difficult to describe. It is not something that originates from the stomach. It is as if something is in that area and it has texture, colour, depth – more like a frequency. At times this frequency is fractured, sometimes it is harmonious and solid. It has hues. It affects the rest of my body and gives me feelings – nervousness, or confidence, or fear, etc. So it is somewhat like a separate entity that overlays my own self. When it is harmonious, more solid, it gives a coolness, and it is solid under my feet, and imbues confidence and control…then when my mind races away with fears and the anxiety emanates from it and I go through my own hell of accepting something new, for instance, I know not to trust that part of me but this intuition. The intuition is always right. When I am with someone, particularly a client, I first know it is not working well, and will end, via this intuition. I will know this long before the issues surface that bring the relationship to an end. In those cases the frequency is high pitched and broken, jagged and filled with disconnect. This creates a tingling sensation and stomach pains. So when the person goes of their own choice, then I am glad it is over with. A sense of calm can return.
I think by taking more notice of these sensations that are in a way connected to the body, I can discern and bring my thoughts into some kind of harmony. The thoughts themselves are swayed it seems by perhaps emotion that is disordered, or overpowering, certainly not structured. My emotional side seems to be like the sea in a storm, being blown this way and that, with deep undercurrents, affected by all kinds of external stimuli, some I am aware of and some I am not. My emotions obviously have some purpose, some reference to reality and can give feedback – but their desire to rule me and the insistence they do this are not welcome, nor is it a valid request. They are out of control, they are only meant to inform, my intellect tells me. My mind, filled with reflections and ideas and all manner of memories, is also not that good at directing my moral order, or my action of any kind. It is disconnected from the outside reality. It thinks it understands at times, but it does not. It misreads people, it misrepresents their state and intentions, or gives no reference, just being oblivious to what is going on with other humans. Put into the restraint of a structure it can give good results…but that means developing a mental system that incorporates balances and checks with an outside source so it can learn how it is orientated. Orientation is everything. Those emotions sway my minds thinking and I won’t even know it is happening. I will develop concepts to interpret others, and not realise they are false, or skewed. I will not input information necessary for good decision making because my mind does not recognize its existence. An outside reference point is vital. Someone I can trust and expose my thinking to and gain orientation from, gain ‘grounding’ from.
My panic about the Masters was derived from these elements:
Firstly, a great lack of motivation to start my assignment or read and watch the class materials. For the life of me I could not motivate myself to do these things. I left everything so long I had to ask for an extension and even then, to get myself moving, it was as if I had to do violence to myself. True, there had been a great list of problems that co-occurred with starting the degree, things I could not avoid or have foretold. But I know, under all the excuses, I still wouldn’t have done it. I recall back to my first degree how I left every assignment to the very last moment. In exams I knew exactly how long I could remember the information and simply left studying to around the last 4 days. Then I would dedicate every moment of every day, late into the night, to cramming the information into my brain…go on the day and get it out as quickly as possible – then forget the lot. I do have a serious memory problem. In my undergraduate degree this was identified by an Educational Psychologist, but no label was given. It was identified that this is at its worst in the area of numbers and calculations. I have many diaries and systems to ensure I do not miss appointments. I love creating systems, but I love also to not follow them very well, or at all. In diaries, yes, I have to, otherwise I would have no work – no one would want to know me.
Secondly, the financial issue is a big problem at the moment. But that was more an excuse. Finance is an area that will trigger me to have panic attacks. I keep a very systemised set of books to manage my money. As I said I love systems. The fact that to do this degree I am using a credit card and my income is way below expenses…that is a major area for panic. I need patience. There are things I am working on to redress the balance, but it is not happening fast enough for my mind.
Thirdly, I caused all this. I made the choice. I didn’t read the blurb to the course correctly and should have asked about finance options. Instead I just signed up on the spur of the moment. No planning, no sourcing finance, no thinking of the effort involved. It was exactly the same with my undergraduate degree. Then, and now, I was so bored with life I just went to the University because I knew it would occupy my brain and give goals and definitely change my life. At undergraduate level I studied Philosophy not because I needed it or was interested in it, but because that department would accept me without prior learning in the subject nor asked for effort to get in. The psychology department wanted an essay on my motivations…well, I was bored. I knew that didn’t sound good, so philosophy it was. I literally rang up my local university, picked a department that sounded curious, rang them and just asked if I could sign up there and then. The philosophy department was more than happy and I walked in and was a registered student by the end of the day. I had only a Wikipedia knowledge of the subject. Turned out I loved it and did really well, but I had no plan how to use it. It fulfilled my needs: keep my brain busy and give me plenty of time to live in my head and read, and defer reality. I find myself having done that again! But at least this time the study of Autism has some real life application to me.
All in all I suspect this tells me I have ADHD. The memory issue; the need to correct problems instantly; the quick fire emotional dysregulation; the boredom with real life. I get so bored. I hate waiting, I never join a queue. I make systems I cannot follow for long, I get so bored. I move every 3 years. I hate moving, but cannot sit still. I turn in bed so much I get knotted in the sheets…but, then, I never sleep a night through anyway, it is filled with breaks. Sleeping is so tiring.
So I am going to see the doctor, and see if I can get assessed for ADHD. I think also I have dyscalculia, the results from that Education Psychologist are abysmal in the numbers test. Most of all I want to know what the memory problem I have is. I will take that report and see if I can convince the doctor to help me explore what is going on with my head.
Nigel, the Autistic Companion 