I did go to the doctors and they were good and fast tracked my assessment for ADHD, and I got it – so I am hyperactive and attention deficit, and I have it pretty bad I was told. That apparently accounts for the memory problems I suffer.
I feel that diagnosis was more problematic than learning I was Autistic. With the Autism it just helped to accept me, how I was, and accept what I couldn’t do. But the ADHD…that is a real problem for me. The endless procrastination, lack of focus and hyper-focus, and all the other annoying aspects of it, it is hard to accept all that as never going away. Those things are real barriers to me functioning and being able to do anything at all. That makes me angry. But I know I can find ways to get done what I need to do.
It all coincided with my assignment for the second module of my Masters. So I asked for a 2 week extension, but no way is that enough. The idea of the extension was to give me time to find support. Shows how naïve I am. There is no support.
The University put me on a list for counselling, but the wait is ‘very long’. So I found someone local who can do that, but I have to pay myself and money is not overflowing anyway (since I have to pay for the degree myself, and work and find a way to not burn out/cope with life). I am hoping the counselling can help me review my current life decisions based on these new understandings of my traits and needs. I just want to see if I am doing the right thing here. I am, after all, in a people focused job and ironically it is people who cause me great anxiety. But then there is the Autistic trait of wanting to help others, feeling horribly lonely and isolated, and constantly problem solving, and being fascinated by other people…but then I want to hide from them all as they overwhelm me, I am emotionally sensitive, I find it very hard to meet and follow the demands of others. I just get exhausted by the outside world. There are so many contradictions and all of them are major issues to me. How do I navigate all that?
I stopped on the intuition plan temporarily. That was because I became overwhelmed with the ADHD diagnosis and getting my head round what it meant for me. I also had some problems dealing with a person whom I was basically overcompensating for, had to let them go from my life, and while it was good that the pressure was suddenly gone…well, I felt the loss pretty bad (they had dominated my life for quite a few years with their needs). It was also getting used to not having their demands and influence in my life, the freedom but also the loss, the opportunity for new things – but new things I hate. I had a week away too, and just being away is itself a kind of mild trauma. The change in routine, the need to break the daily routines as they become burdensome, but having to create a new set for the holiday, then relaxing and learning to be just with myself, to only have to go back and learn to be back with others…it has just been major turmoil and chaos for me.
Intuitively I think I know what I need to be doing…moving away slowly from the P.A. work and into coaching and mentoring, and writing. I need to be finding a way to help, as that is a need of mine, but help in a more intellectual manner that involves less consumption of my time and emotional peace.
I keep coming back in my mind to the lack of support out there that is affordable for level 1 ASD (Aspergers). And I just am astonished at the lack of personal help with ADHD, given how it causes such major problems in life. The Autism help is solely focused on getting a job and off benefits and making friends (I guess so you don’t suffer mental breakdowns and cause the health system problems). I think there is so much more needed for Autistic adults than that.
I think all that means I need to be focusing on getting good grades in my Masters (the Autism), and looking to find ways of learning about ADHD. I want to help others in my situation, where you have ridiculous barriers but have little money. There must be a way of balancing this.
Nigel, the Autistic Companion 