After both my new diagnoses, and now realizing some of the traits of Autism – such as a compulsion to help others, low self-esteem, and such, I wanted to re-evaluate my life. I don’t feel these labels change me, but what they do do is point out to me behaviour and thought processes associated with them. And this means, to me at any rate, that though everything I do is ‘sensible’ and ‘normal’, well, it may not be. It may be a compulsion within Autism or ADHD, which is ok, but I want to evaluate how I deal with those, rather than just get led and controlled by them. So, I engaged a counsellor to help me reflect on the choices in my life.
One thing that came up, after explaining many negative incidents in my life, is that I have been through a lot of rejection. To sum this up: I was rejected throughout my school life, bullied by teachers for being ‘thick’ and ‘useless’, put in the remedial class and just left to rot, being berated constantly for having major problems with English and maths and just about anything else (and this bullying the other children picked up on and copied themselves). I left the school system thinking and knowing I was worthless. My parents and family just parroted what the school had said and there was no help. Eventually I tried my vocation in the Catholic Church and that was just a series of disasters, I just didn’t fit in anywhere and no one cared to help me. I had pursued this idea of vocation alongside my brother, who himself eventually went to seminary, and became the ordained priest he is now. Unfortunately he was no support and had no comprehension of my problems. A very big issue was just that I couldn’t cope at all with the level of socializing necessary; nor the travel; nor meeting strangers; nor the lack of privacy and control over my life; and the general concept taught was that to form close friendships is wrong – well, for me that notion is wrong. As with most Autistics my compulsion is to try and form very close relationships, and I need that to survive (not that it is ever successful). And then I eventually ran out of options there and had to face the facts – no one cared, no one would help, I didn’t fit in anywhere and that was the end of that. I was told by a prior that if I didn’t have what they needed, or did what they said, I had no vocation. To me that is description of a vocation to serve man, because I cannot believe God created me with no purpose other than to feed and shelter myself and do nothing else. Big problem for me as I had set my heart on a Church vocation since childhood…so by 37 it was over. My priest brother rejected me (I hadn’t faced the fact he never was with me at any level, but I eventually faced facts on him) and I had a big mental breakdown (for several years I could not deal with the issue of ‘religion’ at all) and then pretty much automatically I dealt with the issue of being gay. And that was very tough to accept. But when my dad found out I was gay he rejected me. Most of my possessions were at his place and I wasn’t allowed to retrieve them, or come near the house.
There are other rejections, but you get the gist. To sum up, all I ever wanted I have never been allowed to be.
I honestly had never thought of this trail of misery in the light of that word, ‘rejection’. I saw it as a life long ordeal of endless obstacles and barriers to be faced, thought about, and then resolved through strategy and planning, which mostly involved ways to cope with the anxiety and depression and hell. To have big ideas and desires, and accept they would be crushed. To know people claimed to fulfil certain roles and offer certain benefits, but to find they do not (at least for me). To know that what I was, what I offered in talent an ability was worthless, because the things they wanted I had not got. So, yes, I have been rejected constantly for who I am. It is true.
But what do I do with that? Clearly, I subconsciously knew I was rejected. Pretty much the whole theme is my traits, I was rejected at school, in the workplace (plenty of those), in family and so on for what I now know is Autism. Being too withdrawn; being too intense in conversation – being too literal and just saying how I saw people and things (thinking honesty was helpful, what a fool!); not understanding; being anxious and fearful; being confused at learning new things and looking like I would never learn; being no good at maths (my dyscalculia), and early on in English, though that changed. The amount of stick I got for being too shy and withdrawn! My endless attempts for deep and emotionally/intellectually close friendships (no one wants those). Not wanting to talk rubbish. Studying and researching and figuring out the rules that no one wants to follow though they claim to (most do not want to know the rules, they just sound like they do). Obviously, the gay issue isn’t Autism, but trust me to be different and awkward.
Clearly, I knew all this. I just hadn’t faced up to it collectively under that word, ‘rejection’. Perhaps I had looked at it in a more useful light, using the term ‘obstacles’. That kind of gives me a notion to find a pathway through it all. But it is a rejection I suffered, on multiple levels. I need to ponder this.
Nigel, the Autistic Companion 