Nigel, the Autistic Companion

I felt it was time to try build myself a new life.  To not just accept whatever fell into my lap.  Easier said than done.

This new life is going to involve new people.  Not completely new, but given I have only 5 people in my life and 3 of them are clients, it won’t take much to re-balance that situation.

Now what is it with people?  I have massive problems with people…is it the social anxiety, as in stressed at them being strangers and out of my control?  Yes, that exists there, I can see it in my thinking.  The unknown is a big problem, and people are unpredictable.  When you cannot understand their words or behaviours it just compounds this anxiety.  And it doesn’t matter how much you get to know them they do the most unexpected things at times.  They do not follow rules (even if they claim to adhere to strict moral guidelines).  So that is all there for sure…but it isn’t everything and there is more.

Perhaps it is just sensory issues – they talk a lot, demand attention, make noise, and distract?  I think they do and that is one problem, especially the talking.  A lot of talking.  It is very draining to hear, even if I am not involved.  They wear bright clothes or odd things, they move about, make sounds, not peaceful to look at.  So, I can say that is one aspect of my problem with people.  But there is more, I can feel it.

Maybe I just like being alone?  Am I a hermit devoid of his space?  I don’t think so.  I am no good on my own, I lose all perspective on reality and cannot orientate myself.  Time ceases, projects end and something like catatonia appears – just staring at the wall and ceasing all motion in mind and body.  So, no I don’t want to be alone.  To me that is isolation and dangerous.  But I do need space, my own place, my own pace.  So, needing to be alone is not it at all.  There has to be something more to it.

So, let me reflect on what I experience in the presence of others.  There seems to be a lot of emotion, a lot of feelings, thoughts, ideas, physical energy and under it all something I cannot describe.  What is it?  Like a state of being.  It is like looking at music on old film, the optical soundtrack.  I can see the person/s in that manner, some are sharp and high, some low, some here and some there, all in their own wave length.  The low wave length people are easier to be with.  But when you have several of these optical tracks together it is a cacophony.

So now I know.  It is the state of the person themselves.  And I pick up on this.  And there are very few well balanced individuals about these days.  And I also know I cannot cope with many of such optical tracks at once or the whole thing becomes a big noise with no meaning.