Up to today I have honed in on my regular pattern of negative thinking and my mental agonies. There is little logic to them and no real reason for them to exist. But they are there non-the-less.
Now we look to the New Year, and trepidation is all I fear. So much happens in 12 months, I just dread the things that can happen in the next 12 months. It feels like there is no solid ground under me, that I am in an earthquake and the whole universe is moving randomly and I will fall into it and be suffocated.
Yet I remind myself it may be moving, I may have no control over the details or plan for what others will do to me or offer me – and it does not have to be painful, it could be pleasurable. I get tense in my muscles, preparing for the pain, not relaxed, not thinking of pleasure or happiness to come. Every moment of happiness is just a rest before the pain.
What a waste of time living like that.
So I want to focus the new year on ‘retreat’. Periods of real rest and real spiritual growth…from reading and meditation, to prayer and practicing intuition. To putting trust into every day, trusting someone better than me is in control of the Universe and they do not want to torture me. There is no logical reason to presume I must be tortured and punished, so I should accept they could easily want to help me and show me how to cope and be content.
I want to accept that the periods of happiness are not just there to be a prelude to pain. And the pain can be got through and does not reflect a hatred of me by all out there.
Nigel, the Autistic Companion 